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STERLING, CO—Saying the condiment was really putting the rest of the team on its back, area man Kevin Bentley confirmed Thursday that the chipotle mayo was doing all the heavy lifting in his sandwich.
WAVERLY, NE—Listening as the haggard messenger spoke of ominous clouds upon the horizon, local fourth-grade teacher Myra Helms received a dark portent of a gathering storm from pale and bedraggled third-grade teacher Beverly Milfay, sources confirmed Thursday.
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The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.
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